"Elephant you!'
"Elephant you,too!"

The detective grabs a pipe cleaner.  Puts on his funny looking hat.
His bloodhound looks hopefully up from his paws and thumps his tail on the floor.
The pipe means it's thinking time.  Time to burn some flowers and fabricate some plausible reality.....

I sit in this coffee shop every morning because the owners are hotties and they allow dogs.  It's good for business too.  Im a problem solver.  In Utero cannibis did something to my brain earrly on.  The world holds no mysteries for me except love.  But knowing that love is both the solution to most problems as well as the cause of them has allowed me pinpoint focus.  It's usually just a matter of finding out what or who the person loves most and starting from there.  Since people lie to themselves as often as they breathe for mental clarity I will burn some female reproductive organs of the Indica strain and think on it.  Sativa tends to Zombify me.  I got work to do today.

The subject is an elfin resident of the city of brotherly love.  He takes this love of his brother man to a physical level and it's his hirsuite lover, I reckon, that is heading out the door with all this elephant jive.  I thus reckon this because no two men talk that excitedly together in sing song voices unless they are deeply in manlove with each other.  The level of affection is of course their own business and I'm happy to see that they living on the fun side of love mountain.  Thier lovetrip in full bloom.  The question before us is what the hell has it got to do with Pachyderms?  Are these Pachyderms Indian or Asian?

I tend to drift when I'm smoking flowerbuds, so i take notes on little index cards I carry with me.  The type of elepahnt isn't really the issue here, that's third or fourth level thinking.  What is the easiest explanation for this mystery? 

ManLove, elephants, delicious Elvis sandwich for breakfast at the Red Hook Cafe' with vegetarian bacon.  late for poker dealer school, haerst diamonds clubs, breakfast club, Judd Nelson, whatever happened to him?, "Claire, would you ever date anyone with elephantiasis of the nuts?"  Nuts, ManLove Elvis, N.M.E., Enemy Mine, Lou Gosset Junior, Public Enemy, public hair, pubic hair, trumpeting elephants, love trumpet...oh shit, they can't POSSIBLY be referring to their genitalia and EWWW....

The Bear and the elf laughing about what each others manparts resmeble and paying homage to each other in public....
they can't very well say "I enjoy and admire your erection, fuck buddy" now can they???  They are subtle and clever and penetrating prime time, first with will and grace., and now the verbal lexicon, making all refernces to elephants instantly gay and hilarious.....

Or i could have heard them wrong and Im just chasing my tail again.....
time to go to school




 

its easy to spot the canadians at a poker table in vegas
there are, as they say in poker, tells
standoff ish ness is one clue
they keep to themselves from long winters alone
holed up behind thiick insulating walls
huddling closer to the seal skin lamp which provides both light and heat
the faint smell of seal oil never leaves thier pores completely
stand next to danile negranu sometime and take a whiff
the patchouli he wears almost does the trick
but it still registers on the palate
a mix of king crab, jellyfish and herring that once smelled can never be unsmelled

another canadian tell is that they are the highest ones at the table
right after you notice the seal oil smell you get hit with the cloud of recently smoked pot that is sticking to their clothing like the dirt followed pig pen in the peanuts cartoon
they got that good stuff up there in BC
grown by ameircan draft dodging hippies and exchanged in leiu of rent
they have free weed stations at the public restrooms in candinadia
this glout of hi grade pot is why their governemnt feels they can get away with anything
and conrad black could only exist in a place where everyone is zoning out 24 hours a day

maybe this is why they take bad beats so well
thats poker, eh? they say as they get up and smile graciously
wishing the table luck and saying goodbyr to the other canadians in the room
lets go oot later, eh?
yaa yaa

a rush tee shirt is a dead giveaway
as are the ubiquitous aviator shades
top gun is still the best movie a canadian has ever scene
they have festivals up there
the ottowa "ice man" festival is the largest movie dress up carnival in canadinadia
val kilmer can't get through the airports up there
one tellt hais100percnt on is when a canadindian is on a draw you can hear him humming
"highway to the dangerzone"

the last tell i will share with you is they are all stuck up
male and female alike
i flirst with them and they don't flirt back
they know im using them for citizenship
gay marraige is ok up there
id live in a loveless sham gay marraige just to play pokerstars in my undies again
i miss you so much pokerstars!
 

driving the PCH in the middle of the night
pitch black
the mountains block all traces of light pollution
starlight dazzling

riding with the moon roof open, listening to the surf
crashing in some spots
muted in others
the car awash in pine with a hint of sea

i pull over three times to stare into ebon eternity
listening to the quiet trees
something steps on a stick and im not alone

i tell the forest i have a midnight meeting with a mr sasquatch
hes running late. replies the rustling wind
thats ok, i dont mind waiting

its chilly up here halfway up a mountain
75 miles form civilization

i get in the car snd drive the winding road
the mighty pacific coast highway
darling of the automobile advertisers of america

i push the rental car a little and jam some zepplin on the dark highway
in and out, up and down the raggedy coastline
in a bluelit startrek cockpit im bellowing  the lyrics
 VALHALLA
I AM COMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG

i skid thru a sharper than expected turn, lightly grazing the guardrail with my rear light
my herat hammers as i put the flashers on and inspect the skidmarks and notice that this part of the road is above the treetops on the mountain below
i hit that turn a little faster and im in a tree
starving to death slowly

the zepplin song is meant to play on the soundtrack when I fee fall towards the rocks and surf below
front end slowly aimling straight down as the motor drags me to meet my valkyrie soulmate

but my timing is off
im not neanderthal james dean
ive got redwoods to sleep under and bigfeet to meet
after days and days of kamikaze 85 MPH california freeway driving i make my snails way up and down the PCH for 6 hours
seeing four or five cars every fifteen minutes
 

its never as bad as they say it is...

i question their motives
this annonymus "they" who seem bent on making us miserable

us as in the inner circle
people you can depend on
what did that fossil mick jagger say?
weee all need, someone. we can lean on...

there is power in helping others
give and take
a time of the season for all of it,
just a meatter of perspective

yeah this is a bullshit, scary world
and there are a few ways to deal with the fear
you can hide yourself away from the world and hope it gets better
but the actions cancel out
hope and hiding are different ddirections

do your worst world!
i will die laughing in your face

old Neanderthals lived to their 30"s
35 was sabre tooth tiger meat
thats the guy in the cave with the paint
hiding from sabre tooth tigers
painting himself spearing a mastadon
wowing the other neandertallus with this painting magick of his
neanderthals who feared and respected this visionary wizard
nenaderthals who had never known a world without this Schwartzenneggian beast
he liked running things from the cave
liked resting on his badass laurels
but the tiger was still out there
with that immortal symmetry, commom to the species

some questions, caveman.....
what are you hiding from?
what is your tiger?
aging caveman what are you painting on the walls today?




 

new writing direction...

ITEM ONE.This neanderthal magazine is going to try to turn a profit so if you want to buy and ad get to me soon beofre i talk to a few close friends who want the close freind discount. -this week editing and pricing
                                                                               -next week get bukowskaholic up and running,
                                                                                plan party,
                                                                                2nd mag edition, a magazine every week that i work on...hopefully

    goal # 1 volunteer for other small presses to get idea possibly invest together on a for profit dirt bag/neanderthal/dyke/music/lo   
fi/mag or series of mags...

    make more each time with goal to store the unsod ones in a storage locker and auction those lockers off....stash journals away
     turn them into saleable words right infront of the world...if there isnt an "IM charles bukowsi" competition its high time there was....

the hits keep coming....find a partner , call it bukowskaholic enterprises, this is the last of neanderthal industries free entertainment dfor the masses division.  im starting my career as an alchemist.  turing my thoughts into things.  things that have a value but would rather be traded to you for a night on your couch.  each magazine a travelog of where i was just staying....
fictional interludes include
the stewardess and the tennis coach
neanderthal nanny

    I loaded up on some Redbox picks to ride out the snow and was hit with alien goo from every direction.  Coincidence?  Or secret massive alien goo conspiracy?
    In the first film I viewed there was an expectation going in that there would be alien goo dripping from some scary monsters.  Prometheus did not disappoint, following the tradtional Ridley Scott Aliens roadmap of a slow build up, menacing machine man, a scary dark outerspace setting, fantastic mansters and a nealyr naked women in distress.  There was also a metaphorical alien goo scene to open the movie when an eight and a half foot albino alien mesomorph with completely black eyes take a sip of Jaegermeister and impregnates the planet Earth.  I dug this flick alot, I'm a sucker for hot women in distress, the science was interesting and it was a great start to my day of avoiding Mother Nature's latest reminder that we are really fucking the world up.  The next bit of goo was unexpected and unsettling and I didn't really notice the pattern until goo mive 3 in my marathon.
     "Ted" started out boring with Jean Luc Picard setting up the story in fairy tale fashion as the narrator.  Marky Mark apprently was a kid so low on the pecking order in Boston that the "yamacuh boy" who was being racially profiled and beaten took time from his beating to shoo the young New Kid on the Block away from his beating.  It's a shame when the funniest scene in a movie is in ttroduction, but maybe Seth Macfarlane should stick to Quoahog animation, or hire a funnier dude to be the lead, who got out acted by a stuffed animal for most of the movie.  Even Flash Gordon couldn't save this lame fest.  Ok there was one other funny line a throwaway with the bear contemplating writing a complaint letter to Hasbro about not having a working male organ, but maybe that's the sequel, "Teddy Bear with a Boner"?  The subtle goo in this film was whent the bear did a simulated bukake' scene with hand sanitizer.  Hope that too many kid's dont get too truamatized for life when they watch the movie with the talking teddy bear, but maybe that's Seth's reason for making entertainment, a twisted "scared straight" program?
    The third movie dragged the sinister "alien goo conspiracy" out into the daylight.  In a wonderful example of hiding a conspiracy in plain sight, the chubby fat kid that does all those bisexual grooming comedies links Nickelodeon's sliming to the topic of this essay to the delight of preists and other secret pedophiles everywhere.  Maybe I'm losing my common touch, my earthy humor or maybe my testosterone levels are rapidly declining, but this new goo-centric genre just dosn't make me snicker.  The new forntier of the dick joke?  At least when Woody Allen was playing a sperm it was tasteful and understated.   John Cleese lecturing on human reproduction covered some of the same of the same territiry without being crass aoubt it.  Implying that Nickelodeon is some green alien cum drenched pornography for spaece aliens and people who like to watch them fuck our kids is certainly drone worthy?  Someone?  Send a drone to that screenwriter's home Obama or he's going to write your kids into one of his next movies, and it will be too late then!  I refuse to contaminate my computer with the scenes where they went too far, I love a good cannibalism joke and sang rugby songs abot all manner of sexual deviation in that classic song "the S and M man", because he mixes it with love or "drinking kool aid with Jim Jones", but sheesh, cum aint so funny you should spend 30 minutes paddling around in pools of it, should we? 
     The fourth movie was a little more subtle with it's refernce to alien goo.  Very subtle.  Colin Ferrel stars in this softcore gay porn recreating a Phillip K Dick story, "We can Remeber it for you Wholesale."  In this movie the Scottish(?) eye candy is either shirtless or wearing a soaking wet skin tight shirt tee for over half of the movie.  I guess this is the alien goo quivalent of Sport's Illustrated's swim suit catalog.  That sexiest scot since Connery was Bond was so lovingly filled that i may have "MOVED JERRY (it may have)  MOVED!"  I knOOOOOOOOOOw, jeffery i know.....
     This has been a public service announcement from Neanderthal Enterprises, Inc.