The vegetarian Neanderthal accidentally applies for a job at a Meat Centric restaurant.  Having been tired of sending resume's off into oblivion, he has lately been spicing things up in his query letters, piling the bullshit higher than a fat dude piles king crab legs at the all you can eat buffet.  Apparently this bar needs a "character" behind the bar.  Or they are just looking for awesome.   I'm especially fond of my new resume feature, reason for leaving the job ( in parenthesis)  My thinking ws that this would cut thru the shit and save time. for everyone involved. 

Subject: say hello to your new head bartender!

I've been working at a neighborhood bar as a fill in and was doing banquet bartending at the Constitution center until they asked me to cut my hair. I need my hair the length it is for a reality show I may get into and because women dig it. Its like Mickey Rourkes in the wrestler and Iron man and it get the conversations flowing. I am also working on a line of BS about needing the hair long for my new line of Romance novels where I play "Flabbio" which the women don't dig but for some reason is a hit with the gays, something about being a bear? I'm the friendliest guy in the world and give me a month and I will have people dropping by to see me to hear about my trip west where I was going on audtions and sleeping under redwoods and up in the mountains. I just got back from an extensive vacation and am ready to get back behind the bar. I played for three local rugby teams and represented our country at the 2008 Rugby League world cup, that was a blast! I worked on the 2010 census and in 7 different public schoosl in the city. That's alot of people who want to catch up with me and now will have a place to do so. I'll be bombing the heck out of facebook as soon as I'm hired. It would be like hiring another manager when you hire me because I'm just friggin awesome and there something in me that needs to be the best. When can I come by and show you how awesome I am? heres a resume that barely begins to describe my awesomeness!   EMPLOYMENT HISTORY------------------------------- (reason for leaving job in paraenthesis) Neanderthal Nanny- June 2012-present- • I took care of a delightful, intelligent 2 year old.           (was part time only and love doesnt pay the bills even though her mom is hot) Banquet Bartender at the Philadelphia Constitution Center,     (told me to cut hair, i told him my girl liked it long) DHC Construction, Flagger Oct. 2011- June 2012                (guy told me to stand in direct sun) • OSHA 30 hour construction industry certificate US Census Payroll- 2010 (census)                                                                                           (census ended) • Interviewed applicants, data entry, removed payday roadblocks for angry workers Tennis coach- Germantown Friends- and Friends Select 2008-2012                                      (rich kids are annoying) • CPR certified valid until June 2013 Warehouse, Sales2007-2008 Johnstone Supply, Philadelphia, PA                                                       (promoted me) • Shipping, receiving, UPS, comprehensive inventory • Forklift, cherry picker, pallet jack • Deliveries Middle School Teacher1993-2005 Philadelphia School District                                                 (13 years in the hood was enough) • Wrote grants, established urban gardening program, recycling program • Building , climate, safety committees, coaching, Technology team In Store Trainer/Bartender 1987-1992 TGI Friday's                                                                           (turned 30, was teaching) • In Store Trainer- Bar-Waiter-bus-expo • Worked at many East Coast locations as a troubleshooter/sales builder EDUCATION • Bachelor of Arts- Certification in Elementary/Early Childhood Education1993- CUM LAUDE