Us Neanderthals are not interested in the bells and whistles of your so-called civilization.

  Internet?  Kittens are way, way cuter in real life, and if we need our sensibilities insulted we can walk by a middle school at the end of the day. 

Televison?  If we want to see bullshit we can walk over to a pasture.

 And you Cromagnons thinking you are so, so cool with your culture of violence?   A hundred thousand years ago when you were just starting to become virtuosos of aggression and the world was a bigger place we could simply walk away from you and shake our heads at the ridiculous way of life you were assembling.  That was a long time ago. 

     We are all out of cheeks and you’ve pushed so far into the wilderness that some of us are forced to walk among you.  You will recognize us by our youthful appearance and disdain for greed and consumption.  We smile a lot, us Neanderthallus, but  please remember that as under-evolved primates, the smile is a warning signal indicating aggression.  These are our teeth, do you want to spend years looking for the right plastic surgeon and explaining  where half your cheek went?  Or do you want to get out of our generally peaceful faces?  We are warning you that the biting will soon commence.  Ironically this smile before you attack tactic is used to its greatest effect by your greatest extortionists, pillagers and “businessmen.” 

      We walk among you looking for the few that still have the Neanderthal  hybrid peace gene, the trait that you have been selecting against in this great mechanical age, the one that when fully realized in a primate is quickly extinguished by puppetmaster’s on high by the assassin’s bullet, the jail cell or the wooden cross.   We are bringing peace back.  You have made even the deepest woodlands unliveable with your extreme sports, Humvees, jetskis, private helicopters  and the like.  You assholes think you can own Mother Earth?  Ha.  You pissed our mother off.  We are interested in restoring balance and harmony to this discordant money worshipping cult that you folks kowtow too.  Are we supposed to believe that just because someone was born into a cartel and has a billion pictures of dead racists at their disposal is somehow more entitled to the tastiest fruits on the tree?  When billionaires start dying, it was probably a member of the Pluto Gang who did it.  A few more modern Neanderthals have convinced the council of elders  (three Neanderthal, 2 Sasquartches, a Yeti) to start the great billionaire culling,  There’s a handy list published every year in that nasty capitalistic fetish porno Forbes, thanks for the list!  Oprah, remember your roots!  We would hate to have to bite off your left cheek!  Start giving money away until you are back in the hundred millions, we haven’t gotten to millionaires yet, but the writing is on the wall!  We are trying  not to become caniibals here, because if we do turn cannibal, who is the tastiest flesh of all?  With it’s organically fed, pampered Kobe veal like existence.  That’s right, clean up your act cromagnon or we will eat your children!

Thus sayeth the council of Neanderthals……